Beyond the pain

Living with fibromyalgia caused by PTSD isn’t what I had expected to go through at the age of 41. I thought I would be as active as ever. Especially since I’ve had a passion for everything. Participating in fitness and sports from a very young age. Training was part of my daily routine and running was my way to meditate. I miss it dearly.

When I received the diagnosis from my psychiatrist for pain management, I didn’t even know the word fibromyalgia. I had to actually look it up! Then I looked up the link it has with PTSD. I couldn’t believe that emotions could cause this much physical pain. Everything hurts. It’s a sort of pain that is crippling and debilitating. On cold days in the winter, I am unable to move. Sometimes all I can do is just lay there. Not fun.

My Doctor told me that to manage my pain, I had to manage my anxiety better. I wanted to understand better to prevent the pain, so I researched and researched some more. I won’t get into all the medical lingo of the brain, but we basically have two brains. The primitive part, which we need to survive, if we were to cross paths with a saber toothed tiger and the more modern part that takes the time to analyze the situation before deciding something. In the case of PTSD, the primitive part is damaged. The off button is broken and your brain thinks its in harms way all day, everyday. Even when relaxing on the couch. Eventually, your brain wants you to realize your in danger and sends you pain for you to survive and remove yourself from danger. Makes sense right? Fairly easy to understand but extremely difficult to manage when there are constant daily triggers from trauma.

I was discouraged when I found all this information out. I have three children, two dogs which makes it a busy household and a not so quiet one. How was I ever going to get rid of the pain? Was I ever going to? Its then that I realized that managing this was going to be a full time job for me. It took a long time for me to accept it. I was a physically fit Sargeant in the Air force one day and now I could hardly. I had a hard time letting go of that person. I had always loved my career and job. It took me two years to understand that I needed to stop trying to get rid of the pain and adjust to my reality. I had to peel myself off the bed and take my life back. Medicinal marijuana oils, yoga and meditation aid me to lower the anxiety, which in turn helps manage the pain better. I feel grateful for living in a country that has allowed me to use cannabis to manage the pain. Yoga is another big help. Hot yoga warms me up and silence keeps my triggers at bay. On days that I simply cant keep the pain down; I go for the bath bomb.

I still get angry at the whole situation of fibromyalgia, but I don’t loose any sleep over it anymore. So I guess that’s good. Namaste my friends. There is a life beyond the pain


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